I got married. It was pretty awesome and I would highly suggest trying it at least once. You get to wear clothing you love and hang out with people you can tolerate and even if you can’t tolerate them you see each one for like two minutes each and it’s super easy to escape them because you just have to keep making up fake family members and being all “I am SO sorry but Aunt Fran looks like she may be leaving” and then you just run away. Mind you these are probably all things you can do at a normal party where you don’t legally bind yourself to another person.
However, at the risk of sounding extremely materialistic and self centred (I am both of those things but I don’t think I’m supposed to admit that) normal parties don’t tend to yield the same caliber of gifts. I mean yeah, love is the greatest gift of all and all that crap but guys I GOT A FUCKING MIXER. A freaking Kitchenaid from the worlds best Italian family that also gifted me and my mom the greatest tiramisu recipie on the planet.
No, you can’t have it. The cake or the recepie. I love you guys and will totally live stream giving birth to my still ENTIRELY HYPOTHETICAL first child (I’m not pregnant mom, STOP RAISING YOUR EYEBROWS LIKE THAT) but I won’t share this with you.
The only problem is that I am sort of the opposite of a domestic goddess. So far I’ve used it to make whipped cream and some of the worst cookies a woman of my family line has ever produced.
I keep looking online for recepies but given I am both easily distracted and a website snob, every baking page I encounter evokes imagery of country kitchens and Paula Deen. And it makes me want to rebel. I’m not really sure against what or why but I get all “screw the system”.
What I wish I could find is the Amanda Palmer/Dita Von Teese MotherFucking Baking Guide. One with fewer pictures of kitchens with decorative maize and more recepies of deserts that pair with Tequila and Trampled by Turtles.
You guys feel like helping me make this a reality? We need recipies that don’t make you feel like you’re morphing into the mom from Bobbies world, that taste like freaking happiness and that you are totally cool sharing. And possible letting me attempt on film.
This shits about to get real.