I think I’m like the priceline negotiator. He just hands shit out right? His boss should fire him…

I’m going to tell you guys my shameful secret.

I’m a TERRIBLE negotiator.

Because I’m nice.

RIGHT?! You’re probably all “Uhm B, 90% of the time you’re filled with rage and general disdain for the human race” and I’m all “YEAH! People make me so angry I want to slap them with frozen river trout! Unless they’re TALKING to me.”

You see, when people are all “I need this” my first inclination is to DO THAT EXACT THING. I’m a whore for approval. THATS WHY I HAVE A BLOG!

And so when my job demands I argue with some sweet sounding pregnant woman over pricing I wan’t to be all “FREE PRODUCTS FOR EVERYONE” and give her ice cream and a warm blanket because I hear it’s cold where she is today and can I please get you some sort of personal masseuse? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? which is a TERRIBLE idea because Shoes.I need to buy them. With the money I make doing my job. Which is telling this sweet pregnant lady shes fucking drunk for thinking shes getting this product for half its list price and who the hell gets drunk while pregnant AND at work anyway WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DOES THAT?! OF COURSE IM NOT GIVING YOU A DISCOUNT?!?!

And thus this battle of wills is happening in my head as I try and maintain normal conversations with normal people who aren’t worried a stranger in Arkansas is going to be mad at them for not giving them a $5 price discount.

I’m pretty sure everyone can tell I’m crazy. Not because I think they can read my mind, but because I spend a good portion of my day with my forehead planted firmly on my desk asking people walking past why we can’t just use photos of puppies as currency.

Wouldn’t that be so much better for everyone?

“Hello I would like a boob job for the apocalypse” “Sure thing ma’am that will be 3,000 photos of puppies. NO DUPLICATES”