I am starting to think that I work with a large group of lovely people that were raised by motherfucking wolves. And those wolves were raised by Britney Spears. During the headshaving period. The “shaving her legs in the pool” era.
Maybe I’m crazy, but as a child, were you taught to chew with your mouth closed? Cause I sure was. And if for any reason ever, you accidentally let some sort of chewing sound escape, you were treated with the level of disgust that ensures children are properly integrated into society. “Shame – the ultimate parenting tool”. ( I plan on using it in conjunction with “Sarcasm – Poor kiddo, you’re not nearly as fucking cute as you think ” to keep my kids from being rampaging assclowns).
But it seems that the people I work with had parents that wanted people to suffer physical discomfort if exposed to their children.
I’ve been forced to sit in a quiet boardroom meeting with two grown ass men (with children of their own…. *shudder*) Who ate every fucking thing that was offered in the buffet with their mouths open. Not only that, but it seems both of them were in a competition to make as many lip smack noises as possible.
I wanted to hunt down their mother and punch them right in the vagina.
And this morning. It got worse.
Because suddenly in the monday morning silence, I could hear that telltale clipping sound. And so I turned.
Against my better judgement I turned my chair towards the sound as I thought to myself “sure no… no one would do that…”
Only to be greeted with the sight of a man clipping his nails. At his desk.
I’m going to give you a moment to be as horrified as I am.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS AT WORK?! WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU?! WITH THEIR EYES?!??!?! AND HEAR YOU WITH THEIR EARS?!?!?!
We might as well rip all the doors off the bathrooms so everyone can bear witness to your morning poops! (lets not pretend I haven’t noticed that at every morning, at 10:30 you disappear in to there with a newspaper).
This is why we need the ability to sterilize. This right here. there needs to be a fucking quiz before you have children and if you fail it, there are NO RETESTS.
On the “should you be a parent” application it should clearly ask “Will you let your kids think its okay to clip their nails in public?” and “What level of lip smacking do you think is appropriate when eating: 1 being none, and 10 being “cow chewing cud with too much saliva” and if they don’t gag at the very thought of the lip smacking noises YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER LET THEM HAVE ANY CHILDREN AT ALL.
NO GODDAMNED CHILDREN.
Lady B and her Twitter ranting
- @porterairlines sooo what happens if I miss my flight??? about 16 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone in reply to porterairlines ReplyRetweetFavorite
- @flyporter sooo what happens if I miss my flight?? about 16 hours ago from Twitter for iPhone in reply to flyporter ReplyRetweetFavorite
- @JenbugTweets Im like 24% sure it's a nude of some chicks back. And it's terrifying. 06:25:32 AM May 21, 2013 from Twitter for iPhone in reply to JenbugTweets ReplyRetweetFavorite
Other Stuff We’ve Written
- February 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
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- April 2012
- March 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
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- February 2011
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- December 2010
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- May 2010
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