It’s like, uh, a, uh, party in my pants?

People are all “Robert Pattinson, SEXIEST MAN ALIVE” and I want to take one moment and challenge that. Because it is regoddamneddiculous.

Anyone with any sort of sexy parts should just sense that the truly sexiest man alive is actually a neurotic middle aged jewish man.

In particular, this one:

Seriously LOOK AT THIS MAN! Those eyes! THAT TAN! Huh… I rhymed. That sucks….

RIGHT?? LOOK AT HIM!

And then listen to his neurotic rambling. He’s all “I’m totally comfortable being considered batshit crazy.” AND HE ISNT SCARED OF DINOSAURS!

Lest do a side by side comparison of Robert Pattinson and Jeffy.

1) Hair:
Robert – hasn’t washed it since he found out that Kristen Stewart was of legal age. Might be blonde or brown or grey. Cant tell as there is too much grime.

Jeffy – gloriously salt and peppery and probably smells of manly spices and leather.

3) Smouldering looks.

Robert- Usually squinty. Like he forgot his glasses and then ate a lemon. Or maybe he is doing his Renee Zellweger. Who hasn’t been famous for so long that I actually forgot how to spell her name… holy balls.

Jeffy – his eyes are making you a PROMISE damnit. And you just know he can keep that promise.

I don’t know if I was clear above. Jeffy promises you sex. Magial sex that 50 shades of grey tried to explain only Jeffy doesn’t need weird toys and misplaced rage.

He needs you, some jazz music, four and a half hours of alone time and some snacks. Maybe a bottle of water or two. And a stopwatch. And a life sized cutout of himself. The cutout is for you though. In case he is doing something you can’t see and need to still be looking upon his hotness.

4) Dinosaurs. I know I mentioned it above, but this shit is critical.

Robert – peed himself as a child in Land Before Time when Littlefoot  ate that leaf.

Not scary. Not even with the aggressive text.

Jeffy – Goes for romantic strolls in the rain with the king of all dinos.

This is just like that scene in the notebook when Noah and Ally FINALLY realize they both still love each other.
I may be watching Jurassic Park wrong..

So, Ladies and Guy who stayed way too long on this post – I propose to you that we petition to have Jeff Goldblum appointed this years Sexiest Man Alive.

WHO IS WITH ME??!