Some day are hard. Like, cry-yourself-to-almost-sleep-but-can’t-sleep-becuase-things-are-making-you-crazy-and-why-is-the-dog-looking-at-you-that-way-why-can’t-he-just-leave-you-alone-please-dont-leave-me-alone-oh-my-god-i-just-want-to-sleep hard.
Tonight is that hard.
I’ve been working on finding what makes me happy. Being grateful for things, thether I find them to be good or difficult. I am working on my outook. It’s been helping. A lot. And I am super proud of myself for being able to work on how I see the world.
Do you know how hard it is to look at the world with a new perspective? Imagine looking at a pen, and spending your whole like being all “this is a red pen” and then suddenly REALLY looking at it and being all “Wait… what the fuck. THIS IS A BLUE MOTHERFUCKING PEN! HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE?!?!??!”
It’s a total mind fuck. But it’s worth it. Because when you’re running around the world with a fistful of pens and you’re all “Shit yeah I can colour in red” but everyone is thinking to themselves “this batshit girl is cray. Those are CLEARLY blue pens” at some point, you’re going to realize there is a communication gap.
I’m in that gap right now. Trying to see the world differently, but totally failing. Wanting to see the blue but I’m all “but for reals guys, these are just all red.”
I’m trying to be grateful for all the awesome things in my life. But still acknowledge the feelings I have about some of the shitty stuff. Which is super difficult because its like telling yourself to breathe while smelling a fart. you just don’t want to. That fart is annoying, no matter how “normal” it is.
I had a second miscarriage. And instead of being emotional about it, I was very matter of fact. Mostly because I hadn’t known I was pregnant until shit had hit the fan.
So it was easy to look at it as a biological function and shrug it off.
Until someone I love got pregnant and announced it. And I got jealous. Like angry, disney movie style jealous. It wasn’t fair that for other things worked and for me, I just kept bleeding and having shit get fucked up.
Where is the gratitude in that? WHERE IS MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN???? Because I hav ebeen doing great with my zen-ness lately. I’ve been meditating and yoga-ing and generally frolicking through fields of flowers and peacefulness.
And with one persons happiness, I let myself feel like her good news somehow took away from me.
I KNOW that shit is irrational. good things in one persons life doesn’t magically limit the amount of happiness available for others. Happiness is not a finite commodity. I totally get that.
But that whole idea? yeah, my soul or my brain or whatever-it-is that makes us feel things in the midst of being a collection of tiny particles derived from exploded stars billions of years ago….. that thing? It won’t believe it.
Because someones happiness? it’s hurting me. I listened to one person complain about morning sickness and I wanted to punch them in the face. Because I’ve felt that nausea and didn’t get the benefit of a child at the end. Just more pain.
Or when some complain about having to give up sushi or alcohol, I want to scream. Because I would gladly give up almost every convenience I have to just avoid that loss, that pain.
I’m trying to find the gratitude in things. I’m trying to find my zen. But sometimes I’m just mad. Super fucking mad. Like right now.
And being mad is okay. We will get over it and move on and be grateful again, once the being mad is over.