Before, when all the shenanigans were happening in my head and I was still working 18 hours a day and not sleeping, some things were easier for me.
Okay easier is a huge misconception….. They felt easier but it was because I was completely bonkers and disassociative.
People would ask me before an interview or a presentation why I didn’t seem nervous. And I would smile and them and calmly explain that I was nervous. But that no one else needed to know that because it wasn’t ME getting up in front of people, answering questions and socializing.
Nope, not me. It was the imaginary character of myself that I created. One that had more confidence than I did, that knew things I didn’t and was suave and cool and that could start a conversation with anyone at any time.
A long long time ago I realized that my natural introvert tendencies (reading, writing, sitting by myself and daydreaming) painted a big target on my back at school for bullying and that as an adult, the outspoken, we’ll dressed and personable people ended up successful.
So at a super young age I learned to watch the behaviours of people cooler than me and emulate them. I recreate my own personality over and over again so that I fit in, made friends and got ahead.
I did whatever it would take to be accepted and liked.
I continued this into my career. Pushing as hard as I could to match the best, trying to get ahead.
And, of course as we all now know, I crashed. And I crashed hard.
I had spent a lifetime creating an image of myself that just wasn’t me. The only problem being that I now have not a fucking clue who I am. As you can imagine, it’s a bit frustrating.
This has caused a NEW set of crazy – I’ve developed social anxiety disorder! Being in public or at functions makes me want to run away and hide. Things as basic as dinners at other peoples houses feel like torture because I no longer know what to say or how to behave. And so I end up being super awkward, realizing how awkward I am and then panic. It’s been super effing fun. Really. People must think I’m a drunk and I want to be all “nono nono it’s not the booze, it’s the identity crises mixed with my antidepressants! I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just insane.”
See why I’m bad company? And why I’m terrified to go back to work?
And just as importantly, I need to figure out wheat the fuck I want to DO once I have a better idea of who I am, because I’m not sure that being good at corporate sales is enough of a reason to BE in corporate sales.
I would much rather write, for myself, for others, and if I’m honest, for profit.
So I am turning to you folk who know me better than most – have you got any ideas on where to turn and focus my life?
Any pearls of wisdom?
And if you tell me to just do what makes me happy I will stab you because I have only just figured out what happiness actually feels like for the first time and I’m still trying to figure that whole thing out.